Monday, December 14, 2015

The Darkness

I suffer from some mental health issues.

There I said it.
Yet, why is it so hard to admit to myself?

I've been dealing with a lot lately and it's not my home life, work, relationships etc.
It's this nattering voice in my head, which sounds crazy I know.

My mom says I've suffered with anxiety since I was young, we're talking about age 6 here, when I used to be bullied.
I never really knew what it was up until 3 years ago.

I have suffered with depression off and on for 12 years.

I have no problem admitting my anxiety, even if it's over something which may be "normal", but depression I can't cope with.

I have been feeling off for the past four months.  I didn't really think anything of it until the last 2 weeks when my usual symptoms started happening, when I know it's really bad.

I broke down on the weekend.  Twice.
After being super rude to my boyfriend and upsetting him he left and I bawled in bed.  It's an angry cry where the sounds I make sound like an animal in pain and I was in pain just emotionally.
Later that evening he confronted me. "Do you still love me?" he asked.
That broke my heart and I just fell apart.

My body becomes rigid, I can't see anything because the tears won't stop flowing, I have trouble breathing but all I want to do is run.
"Don't. Let me go," I said when he tried to hold me.
I was ready to run, knowing that would only hurt him more.
But he held tight.
"What's going on?"
"I can't say."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."

It is so hard for me admit that I suffer with depression.
It's not that fact that I'm telling someone else, it's saying it out loud, admitting it to myself.

After I said it, I just collapsed into more tears.
I felt broken.
I haven't felt that broken in almost 4 years.

We talked and have some goals set.
It's going to be hard.
I already got out of it today but tomorrow we will start going to the gym together after work.

I have a bad habit of coming home, planting my butt in front of youtube and staying there for 3 hours.

We have started making healthier dinners and I even took a proper lunch to work today (when I get depressed I skip out on proper meals if any at all).

I don't know where I went, I just feel so lost lately.
And I know it's not my thyroid disorder this time, it just feels different.

So here's to a healthier, happier me!

Any tips that you have to beat the blues are very welcomed!
Thanks for reading :)

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